Monday, 6 December 2010

A Fibromyalgia Christmas

Well, this is the first time in yonks I’ve posted. Hope everyone is doing OK.

I’ve had a few ups and downs since last posting. My son got a really bad sickness and poo bug then got better, and then we all came down with colds, and three weeks later mine is still here and my son got sick again (but with a cold this time).

And what about all this snow? Isn’t is something! Most of ours has gone now, just cold and icy instead. Was like pea soup in places this morning. Lots of traffic accidents. It does only take one or two though on major routes to cripple traffic. It makes you realise how seriously we depend on the roads being clear for simple things like getting to work. Imagine those who run distribution companies, or on line where you have things delivered. Our food supplies depend on transport. It’s quite scary to think how completely useless we would be without those things in place. Self sufficient we are not, not anymore anyway.

And the fuel costs. I’m sure all of us will be feeling that when our next few months worth of bills come in, especially when the old VAT goes up and cripples us even more. I read some report about working class families suffering more because the cost of everything is going up, and wages are just not covering things.

We got our Christmas decorations up at the weekend, it was nice to put them up. Got the place covered in bits of course, so we had to hoover again, but it looks nice now! Reckon we have done most of our shopping to. I am one of those people who hate’s crowds. Especially Christmas crowds with mad people buying things they will never need or use. I always say it every year when you see people cramming things into their shopping trolley’s in the assumption that for two days if they don’t buy enough food to feed the whole street they will somehow starve to death. And what then tends to happen is a lot of it gets chucked away, and left. I see a lot of that and then think about those poor cold souls who won’t get a Christmas dinner, or will sleep on the streets or end up freezing in their homes because they can’t afford to put the heating on. Makes me feel lucky to have things which to me, despite not being glamorous or the ‘latest’ thing, are amazing.

Don’t get me wrong. I love Christmas, but it’s the time out, the break, the spending quality time with hubby and the kids that’s important.

We were not sure what to do this year. Last year we had a curry for Christmas day and went out for it. It was so much fun and really good food too. This year we are at my in-laws. More so because they asked and it means we don’t have to cook, and the kids will enjoy it regardless.

People say it’s a time for family, but it does depend on the family! I’ve long since come to the conclusion that actually, it’s what you make of it, and sometimes no matter how hard you try, it’s just not enough. I have only so much to give, and I would like to think I am a generous person, who takes time to listen, cares what people think, makes an effort, and will be there in a heartbeat if it was needed. I don’t ask a lot either. I’m not materialistic, don’t want all the gadgets or masses or clothes etc, I’m happy just the way I am, but I do expect that a relationship needs to be a two way street, and when you consistently get let down having made all the effort, then you just can’t fight any more.

I can’t. I don’t have the energy. I’m tired. I work full time, I have to use my spoons wisely. I never have a full night’s sleep, and am always in some kind of pain, even though I don’t show it, it’s there dominating my every waking and most of sleeping minutes. I don’t complain because it could always be worse, but some days I get to the end of the day and I just can’t think anymore. I hate that my body has gone to pot and that I thought I could change the way some people are, or at least I thought they would change the way they treated me.

But there is only so much humanly possible, and my family at home are my number one, they have to be, so I’ve had to come to terms with some stuff in my head, things I’ve had simmering in my mind for a long time, and kind of had to accept how things will be. All sounds quite complicated doesn’t it, but it’s hard to go into detail.

Anyway, talking of bodies and gone to pot, I reckon my two toes on my left foot have gone arthritic. I broke my big toe many years ago on a wave machine not realising I had got to the shallow end and cracked it in the water putting my foot down. I then broke the one next to it recently, and thought with my buddy taping I’d done a reasonable job of it healing, but it’s been really painful the last couple of weeks. They both crack and groan but they have felt ice cold compared to the rest of my feet and the pain is horrible. They feel really stiff and sore so I’m guessing it didn’t heal as well as it could have done. I don’t even think there’s much I can do either since it’s already healed.

My neck has been reasonable, stiff, sore and cracking, but bearable if there is such a thing as bearable pain, and my lower back is threatening strike but the massager hubby got me is really helping just relax the muscles a bit which is good as I really need it this time of year.

I’ve now just got to get shot of this pain in my side. It’s my lower right hand side, not stomach, but just right of it, and I keep getting this pulsing pain which is really uncomfortable when it happens, then eases off. Seems to be worse if I do more as it eased off when I was laying in bed, then when I got up to see to the nipper it started up, then eased off and has been on and off all day now which is really rather annoying. I’ve got bottom end trouble as well, as I’m sure you were just dying to hear about, so heaven knows what that is all about.

I know I sound like a moan bag, but it has to come out somewhere so it may as well be here. Then once it’s out and moan about, it’s done with, so it cleanses the mind, which is a good thing.

So now I feel all cleansed, I should probably go and do something useful with it!!