Monday, 16 August 2010

Dark Moods...

I’ve not been around much lately, on line I mean. A number of things I suppose, but I’ve not been in the right frame of mind, and when I feel like that, I think it’s better to say nothing than say something you think you should or feel you have to.

It’s been busy at work for sure, I’ve had a number of extra things going on lately and I think it’s drained me more than I thought it would. I suppose the other thing is also the ending of an era. Our manager is retiring soon and he’s all most of us have ever known. I’ve worked at my place for 15 years, but I’m a junior member of the long service brigade compared to some of my lot including my boss who will have clocked up 45 years before he retires. It’s a strange thing knowing that change is coming, the uncertainty and having to make adjustments to this ‘new’ thing we will all have to get used to.

That, and it’s been a generally busy lots going on kind of period. My big boy was five yesterday. I can’t believe he’s five already. It seems like yesterday he was born, and now he’s five. We had a lovely day with him. He loved his presents and was obsessed with his favourite one (Iron Man toy), and we took him for his first trip to the cinema and then out for something to eat later. It was really cool to see him enjoy himself.

I’ve not been doing too great though, not that it mattered yesterday because that was all about celebrating a special boys birthday, but I can see my persona lately seems to be reflecting in my everyday life at the moment.

Last night once the birthday boy went up to sleep, we flicked the TV on. Well, we did after a while. Mick has been working so hard the last few weeks. Before I tell you about me, let me tell you about him.

His jewellery, particularly the custom side has been really busy and taken off like concorde. This is of course, excellent, because it’s testament to his talents, his customer service and his overall enjoyment and passion for his work. He is a self critical artist. If it’s not right, he’s not happy. Believe me to anybody out there considering who is right for the gig, it’s him. I might sound biased because I’m married to him, but really, it’s because I see what he goes through to achieve every order he sends out the door. He wants everything to be perfect, and won’t strive for anything less. He also keeps the person involved in touch all the time. But it’s all the stuff you don’t see as a customer. You order something, it comes, you pay, life goes on.

But Mick does so much more than that, and it’s been extra hard on him the last couple of weeks as we have had the kids off so he’s had to entertain them, and fit in orders and quite often he’s still tapping away at 9pm plus to get stuff done. So he’s a credit to not only himself, but to anyone doing what he does and the fact that he deserves all the praise he gets.

So, with the fact that he has had a lot on in mind, and we have had a big boy birthday to plan, execute and enjoy, it’s been a busy time of it. Now add me to the equation. I work full time, so I try and give as much support as I can. Take over the kids when I get home, so he can have a break. Saying that, he does the dinner most days and washes up even though I offer because he enjoys the break away from having been a dad all day and he earns it. I just wish I could take over ALL those things more so he could just go sit and enjoy some time out too, but he won’t have it bless him.

The last few months, apart from the dreaded restless legs, I’ve not been too bad. Warmer months really are a god send to anyone with fibro or OA. I know they say that the weather shouldn’t really have an impact on illnesses like these, but trust me and a million other sufferers when we say, it bloomin well does!

But the last couple of weeks I can only assume I’m going into a flare, because I’ve not felt right at all. I have to pace myself generally really to make sure I have enough energy points in the bank to keep going, but I’ve been doing well till lately with that, not really felt the tiredness the same way, but the last week in particular has been draining.

The pains have been getting worse. I actually hadn’t realise how low my pain levels have been until now as they have got worse. I have been really lucky they have not been so bad, but they are creeping up the last week or so. The weather has been colder and damper with the rain, and this has had a massive impact on my joints. My hands and knees in particular have been really tender. My knee (right one) which has always been the worst feels really unstable. If I straighten it too much I get shooting pains, if I bend it too much it hurts, but I’ve been having to be aware of how I turn on it, as it’s felt like it’s going to ‘give’, which is a bit unnerving when climbing stairs etc.

My hands have been aching, but again, my right one is worse. You know when you had growing pains as a kid? That crampy feeling with that hot ache you got? Well, it’s like that but stiffer as well, because I’ve noticed not just my index finger knuckle, but the middle and ring finger knuckles are also now showing signs of bone growth, and I can feel it in my hands like they are being poked with something hot inside. Weather has not helped but all part of the disease process I guess.

I have a huge knot in my shoulder which is causing neck pain and stiffness again along with bags of crunching, and sleeping has not been great either with little one and me not having a good sleep pattern.

So that has not helped the mood as my pains have been getting worse, but even more than that, I’ve felt really overly emotional as well. Not been like this for ages and I know part of that is my big boy having his birthday and being proud of him, but also it’s a sad time of year too, and it’s been getting to me, and not sure why it’s culminating. I guess the increased pain, less sleep, lower mood, equals things getting to me more.

So back to last night. We were flicking through the channels of the TV, and as usual, there was nowt on worth watching, so I suggested a film. Now picking a film is fun with us because we have a fair few DVD’s, but it takes us forever to pick something usually. So last night I suggested comedy, then gave three titles and said to chose from that, which Mick did after some bantering, and I did this big sigh and huffed out a long breath and he said to me ‘You are always stressed’.

And it really got to me because, I know he didn’t mean in it in a bad way, but I suppose I have been, or at least not my normal self by a long shot, and that has reflected in my mood. Anyway, we started watching the DVD, but Mick got tired, which was fair since it was a busy day and he had had a busy old week too. I stayed up but I got about ten more minutes into the movie and just sat there crying. Don’t know why, it just came over me. I think I needed to let it out to release it somehow.
Course then the tears came down, the nose ran and by the time I had got myself sorted, I was a right mess, so the last thing I wanted to go was go to bed knowing Mick had all settled in and he was going to get the snot monster next to me making that gross noise you make when you try and sniff up your nose full of crying snot!

So I made the decision to sleep elsewhere so as not to disturb him, but I didn’t sleep well at all. In fact I look like I’ve not slept either, and my eyes are red, so I’m hoping they will come round as I digest more and more tea!

So it’s been a bit of a roller coaster lately, and I’m sorry that I have what I do when I see the impact it has on people around me I love. Last thing I want is to annoy my husband since the poor bugger already puts up with enough being married to me, let alone having the emotional demon coming out too. I wish I could give it all away tomorrow to the illness incinerator so I didn’t have to feel like this and I didn’t have to impact on anyone else either.

I hope the poor man can cope with me a bit longer, as I really quite like my life despite these illnesses. I left my boys asleep this morning when I came into work, I hope to give them both a big kiss later when I come home. Missing them already and hoping hubby got a good sleep and my birthday boy is enjoying his new toys.